My heart is broken. At least for now.
I can’t believe this is going to be the THIRD post on this subject, which is pretty much just me whining rather than having anything to do with Orthodoxy, but honestly… it’s therapeutic and I need it. So there.
Sunday was our “last” day at our home church and my last day as a band member. I was doing fine until the sermon. The sermon was about sacrifice: What does sacrifice mean to you and what kind of sacrifices are you experiencing to further His glory? And well… that just hit a little too close to home.
I am well aware that this sacrifice is nothing compared to sacrifices others have made. Being from a military family, I have the utmost respect and admiration for those who put their country before their own lives and before their families. I also watch my parents struggle every day with the loss of a son, knowing how deeply I feel the loss and realizing my sorrow could never measure up to theirs. This thing that I am doing, when I think about it, doesn’t even show up on the sacrificial radar in comparison.
All the same, I am very sad. I am wondering if I’ve left too soon and I’ve been thinking, “Maybe I should’ve given it another month…”, knowing all too well another month wouldn’t have done any good. I mean, the end result is the same, and deep down I know I’m as ready as I’ll ever be to leave this place. Why postpone the inevitable.
I am excited about finally going to the Orthodox Church on a regular basis. I can’t wait. I want to take a head-first dive and start soaking it all up. But at the same time, I have shed many a tear thinking of all the love I am leaving behind. I must distract myself on a daily basis – playing games, watching movies, reading books, wrestling my dogs… anything to keep me from thinking about it.
I just want both. In a very Hannah Montana “best of both worlds” kind of way.
Please pray I will find some peace with this soon. I know things will be better once we start going to the other church for I will miraculously remember all the reasons why we made this decision in the first place. Until then I’m afraid I’ll be a mess…